Following the sacking of Chris Hughton, I thought it a good idea to put myself forward for the position of manager. It is the second time I have decided to apply for the biggest job in football, the first time I got no reply and unfortunately after sending this second e-mail still no luck. Apparently Alan Pardew is a better man for the job.
Dear Mr Ashley
RE: Post of manager of Newcastle United Football Club
Following the untimely departure of Chris Hughton, I thought it only fair that again I put myself forward for the position of manager at Newcastle United. You may think that my experience to date is somewhat limited and therefore not suitable for the post. However, I do feel my attributes make me the right man for the job.
As a die hard Newcastle fan, I have been a regular attendee at Newcastle matches since 1995, having a season ticket in the East Stand Paddock for approximately 12 years. In that time I have seen players and managers come and fail at the club. I have seen us relegated, I have seen us promoted and I have stayed true to my club. I have called substitutions that should be made before being made which have a huge impact on the game. On numerous occasions I have correctly predicted the score of matches. I am realistic. I am not deluded. As a fan I understand the football the fans want to watch. I am hard working. I am punctual. I have to have this job.
I don't want to be a man who uses his history of Football Manager and FIFA to try and get a job, but needless to say, I'm quite good at both (Rotherham from League 2 to Premiership. Cool, no?)
I feel the biggest selling point for me is based around the money I could save the club. Below is my proposed payments I will need to consider a post at the club.
Annual Pay: £30000
Bonus for avoiding relegation: £5000
Cup Win: £3500
You will agree compared to other premiership managers I will save the club a lot of money, then being able to put that money in to transfers and new contracts. To save more money I will consider bringing my own coaches who I am sure will also work for a reasonable pay packet. These coaches are Dave Massey, Gary Rose and Wil McCollum. If you require any information about these brilliant men, please feel free to get in touch.
I look forward to hearing from you,
Will Harrison
Oh well, no job. Better luck next time. Good luck Mr. Alan Pardew.
Saturday 18 December 2010
Saturday 4 December 2010
Facebook statistics
With Facebook now having over 500 million users it is fascinating to see that all 500 million users can be categorised in to only 6 groups. You can put any facebook user in to one (or maybe more) of these categories by reading their facebook statuses.
User type 1: The lover
This user has limited statuses on repeat.
"I love my man so much"
"I'm the luckiest girl in the world"
"I don't know what I would do without my perfect fella"
I think your man would love you more if you spent your time with him rather than telling the world over and over again how much you love him. Your relationship status tells me you're in a relationship. I will always assume you are in love until that changes.
User type 2: The hater
I don't have a lot to say about these people. Please don't use facebook as a forum for racism, homophobia and general hate towards others, use a blog :-)
User type 3: LOOK AT ME!!!!
This type of person is a true attention seeker and can be summed up in one status: "John Smith has had the worst day of his life" This status in itself is not a bad status, it is what follows the posting of this status that bothers me.
Example:
John Smith has had the worst day of his life :-(
Peter Brown: Whats up mate?
John Smith: I don't want to talk about it on here. I'll inbox you.
Are you kidding me John Smith. You have over 1000 friends (most of whom I gather you do not know) and you post a status like this and not expect someone to respond. By posting this status you excite user type 6 and then crush them by not revealing the story. If you want to just tell people in private just send the message or ring them, don't fill my news feed with your crap.
User type 4: The wanna be famous
These people believe they are destined for something bigger. Facebook to them is a stepping stone to something else. They use facebook as a mean to share jokes, advertise their music and to sometimes upload photos which will hopefully land them a modelling contract.
A larger number of friends is generally a given with this user type.
User type 5: The wanna get laid.
yep.....lot of friends of opposite sex.......lot of semi naked/suggestive photos....yep
User type 6: The 'normal' facebook user - a.k.a the nosey user
These users are the hardest to spot. These users will have some of the most normal statuses. They will have statuses about funny moments in the day, views on talent shows and comment on general day to day life, weather and current affairs. However, below this seemingly mundane user lies a dark dark secret. Their life as a social network user starts out innocently enough but then the obsession grows. They have hundreds and hundreds of friends. Some of these are people who they went to school with and never spoke to, or friends of friends who they met once on a drunken night out.
These users are unable to delete 'friends' as they are too nosey. They are not worried about being any of the other user types, however they love to know what is going on in the facebook world. They will have facebook on their mobile phones and will log on at any available opportunity to read through hundreds of facebook statuses.
'When your own life is dull, use facebook to stalk others'
Oh and they sometimes use it to be a pervert.
Can you place yourself or people you know in to any of these categories? Yes, I am guilty of at least one of these.
Friday 3 December 2010
Breaking News - 3/12/10
Due to the widespread snow of recent times, there has been a rise in crime in certain areas oft the UK. The most disturbing criminal offence has occured in Kent, where a highly emotional woman reported to police that her snowman had been stolen. She was most concerned as she had used pound coins for eyes and tea spoons for arms.
Below is an artists impression of how the snowman may look.
If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of this snowman please contact someone who gives a damn. There is a possibly the snowman has been destroyed. In this instance, if you see a suspicious person with two pound coins and two tea spoons, avoid this dangerous criminal. Do not attempt to approach this person, and again, inform someone (I don't knw who)
Below is an artists impression of how the snowman may look.
If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of this snowman please contact someone who gives a damn. There is a possibly the snowman has been destroyed. In this instance, if you see a suspicious person with two pound coins and two tea spoons, avoid this dangerous criminal. Do not attempt to approach this person, and again, inform someone (I don't knw who)
Thursday 2 December 2010
Snow Day
As a teacher there are two words I always love to hear. Not well done, or outstanding lesson, or excellent results. These two words are SNOW DAY. It needs no explanation, it's just important to understand it means I get a day off. I find it the one type of day off where I don't feel bad doing zero work. Its like an extra Sunday. However, as much as I love these snow days there comes a point where boredom kicks in. Stuck in the house playing playstation does eventually get boring and I begin thinking I wish I was at work.
These 5 days off in a row has got me thnking. How, as a nation, are we so scared of the snow and going out in it? We get snow for a week and people stay at home, schools and businesses close, people stock up on food (presumably in case of The Ice Age) and news channels have one story:- SNOW.
I think all of this panic occurs due to the later, the media. They hype it up so much and put fear in to people. I worry there will come a time when BBC news will have a headline: 'Snowfall expected next week. Lock your homes, close your curtains and eat the fattest member of yor family.' Come on media, stopped scaring people.
Whilst watching the news a reporter said something which at the time I didn't think about twice, however looking back it seems a ridiculous statement that just is typical of the snow panic:
"If you're out on the roads today, drive safely" Oh thank you Mr news man, I was intending on driving like a loonatic. I was thinking it was approprite to drive on the wrong side of the road with my eyes shut using my feet to steer. Or, this is ledng me to believe that when its a nice day I can drive like a cock! Another reporter used another good informative line: "its cold out there, so make sure to wrap up warm." How would I manage to live without these words of wisdom?
As a nation, we let snow effect everything in our day to day lives and why? Surely other countries cope betterthan us, Sweden and Norway for example? These countries have snow plows and motorists have snow tires. As a relatively rich natio, surely we can find a way to be more prepared for this type of winter.
Sorry, this is just a rant, boredom is setting in now. Need to get back to work
These 5 days off in a row has got me thnking. How, as a nation, are we so scared of the snow and going out in it? We get snow for a week and people stay at home, schools and businesses close, people stock up on food (presumably in case of The Ice Age) and news channels have one story:- SNOW.
I think all of this panic occurs due to the later, the media. They hype it up so much and put fear in to people. I worry there will come a time when BBC news will have a headline: 'Snowfall expected next week. Lock your homes, close your curtains and eat the fattest member of yor family.' Come on media, stopped scaring people.
Whilst watching the news a reporter said something which at the time I didn't think about twice, however looking back it seems a ridiculous statement that just is typical of the snow panic:
"If you're out on the roads today, drive safely" Oh thank you Mr news man, I was intending on driving like a loonatic. I was thinking it was approprite to drive on the wrong side of the road with my eyes shut using my feet to steer. Or, this is ledng me to believe that when its a nice day I can drive like a cock! Another reporter used another good informative line: "its cold out there, so make sure to wrap up warm." How would I manage to live without these words of wisdom?
As a nation, we let snow effect everything in our day to day lives and why? Surely other countries cope betterthan us, Sweden and Norway for example? These countries have snow plows and motorists have snow tires. As a relatively rich natio, surely we can find a way to be more prepared for this type of winter.
Sorry, this is just a rant, boredom is setting in now. Need to get back to work
Thursday 21 October 2010
1000 Monkeys
We've all heard that saying that sit 1000 monkeys in front of 1000 typewriters and eventually they will write the full works of Shakespeare.
Well.....I think it's a load of rubbish. For starters I don't think they would know what to do when they come to the end of a piece of paper. However, what is possible the following:
'Give a man XXXX bags of alphabites and he will be able to reproduce the full works of Shakespeare'
The key is working out the number of bags required.
This is not just made up rubbish, there is substance to this theory. I have dedicated years of my life (well, about a week and a half) to find that magic number.
Firstly, you need to find how many words make up the full works of Shakespeare. From extensive research I found two very different answers to the question. One was from a website: http://www.opensourceshakespeare.com/ which told me the answer was 884429. To check this was true I asked 1000 monkeys to confirm. They told me the answer was 12 so I went with the website.
Next step, was to work out how many letters this was. As I could not find an answer for this I decided to use all my years of mathematical training to calculate the answer. I used a method know as 'guessing' in which I decided the average word length in Shakespeare is about 5.2 letters long. So:
884429x5.2=4599030.8 We'll round it to 4599031
The next shocked me. I went to buy some alphabites to further my research to find that they no longer exist. Oh well, I'll use alphabetti spaghetti. So, I bought 10 tins of alphabetti spaghetti and headed home to count the letters.
From these tins of alphabetti spaghetti it is possible to say your average tin has about 60 letters, with a decent mix of characters. If we do simple maths we can see that the minimum number of tins required would be:
4599031/60 = 76650.5167 or 76651.
Obviously this can not be the correct number as this I relying on the fact that a) my guess at the average word length is correct and b) the letters you get are the exact ones needed. So more excellent maths (guessing) suggests that to account for these errors it may be a good idea to double the number.....so lets say 150000 and then maybe a few more to be safe.....200000
So.....after much research, my theory is ready.
'Give a man 200000 tins of alphabetti spaghetti and he will be able to reproduce the full works of Shakespeare'
Well.....I think it's a load of rubbish. For starters I don't think they would know what to do when they come to the end of a piece of paper. However, what is possible the following:
'Give a man XXXX bags of alphabites and he will be able to reproduce the full works of Shakespeare'
The key is working out the number of bags required.
This is not just made up rubbish, there is substance to this theory. I have dedicated years of my life (well, about a week and a half) to find that magic number.
Firstly, you need to find how many words make up the full works of Shakespeare. From extensive research I found two very different answers to the question. One was from a website: http://www.opensourceshakespeare.com/ which told me the answer was 884429. To check this was true I asked 1000 monkeys to confirm. They told me the answer was 12 so I went with the website.
Next step, was to work out how many letters this was. As I could not find an answer for this I decided to use all my years of mathematical training to calculate the answer. I used a method know as 'guessing' in which I decided the average word length in Shakespeare is about 5.2 letters long. So:
884429x5.2=4599030.8 We'll round it to 4599031
The next shocked me. I went to buy some alphabites to further my research to find that they no longer exist. Oh well, I'll use alphabetti spaghetti. So, I bought 10 tins of alphabetti spaghetti and headed home to count the letters.
From these tins of alphabetti spaghetti it is possible to say your average tin has about 60 letters, with a decent mix of characters. If we do simple maths we can see that the minimum number of tins required would be:
4599031/60 = 76650.5167 or 76651.
Obviously this can not be the correct number as this I relying on the fact that a) my guess at the average word length is correct and b) the letters you get are the exact ones needed. So more excellent maths (guessing) suggests that to account for these errors it may be a good idea to double the number.....so lets say 150000 and then maybe a few more to be safe.....200000
So.....after much research, my theory is ready.
'Give a man 200000 tins of alphabetti spaghetti and he will be able to reproduce the full works of Shakespeare'
Love: Just a short response will do.
The other day I heard two young people discussing how much one of them loved his girlfriend.
Person 1: 'Well how much do you love her?'
Person 2: 'Well I love her don't I?'
Person 1: 'Yeah I know, but how much?'
I do not understand this. Is there a scale for love? I always thought it was just women who thought in this made up scale of love, but after hearing this male to male conversation clearly I am wrong. I have a few questions I would like to ask, which I would like anyone to answer allowing me to never fall in to the love related argument with a lady friend.
If someone was to ask, 'how much do you love me?' what is the required response? I have found that the response 'I love you' is never enough. If this is not enough can someone please shed some light on how I should respond. Is there a number scale?? Should you give one of those soppy responses that are soooo cheesy that you see on all of those awful rom-coms. There is no way of expressing love without it seeming not enough or too much.
After thinking of different ways to approach the whole 'love' question I can see no appropriate answer which will suit all. This is how I can imagine things playing out in my head:
Scene 1:
Girl: How much do you love me?
Boy: Well I love you.
Girl: Yes but how much? On a scale of 1-10?
Boy: (confidently) 10!
This is where two responses can occur.
Girl(response 1): 10? 10? I'd have said infinity.
Girl (response 2): You're just saying that!
Clearly this doesn't work
Scene 2:
Boy: I love you
Girl: How much?
Boy: More than anything in the world
Girl: Don't be so stupid....you're just saying that!
Again..no good!
I am not for one second implying that every person is like this, but can I make a plea that all humankind is just happy with the words I LOVE YOU. Don't say it if you don't mean it...and then hopefully it seems more real when you do.
Love: Just a short response will do - I love you.
I realise this is quite serious for me...but a very important point!!
PS. Women...never ask me if I think you look nice if you can not accept the answer. If you're not going to believe me when I tell you you look beautiful or cry when I tell you you look like a Danny Devito look-a-like, don't ask!
Person 1: 'Well how much do you love her?'
Person 2: 'Well I love her don't I?'
Person 1: 'Yeah I know, but how much?'
I do not understand this. Is there a scale for love? I always thought it was just women who thought in this made up scale of love, but after hearing this male to male conversation clearly I am wrong. I have a few questions I would like to ask, which I would like anyone to answer allowing me to never fall in to the love related argument with a lady friend.
If someone was to ask, 'how much do you love me?' what is the required response? I have found that the response 'I love you' is never enough. If this is not enough can someone please shed some light on how I should respond. Is there a number scale?? Should you give one of those soppy responses that are soooo cheesy that you see on all of those awful rom-coms. There is no way of expressing love without it seeming not enough or too much.
After thinking of different ways to approach the whole 'love' question I can see no appropriate answer which will suit all. This is how I can imagine things playing out in my head:
Scene 1:
Girl: How much do you love me?
Boy: Well I love you.
Girl: Yes but how much? On a scale of 1-10?
Boy: (confidently) 10!
This is where two responses can occur.
Girl(response 1): 10? 10? I'd have said infinity.
Girl (response 2): You're just saying that!
Clearly this doesn't work
Scene 2:
Boy: I love you
Girl: How much?
Boy: More than anything in the world
Girl: Don't be so stupid....you're just saying that!
Again..no good!
I am not for one second implying that every person is like this, but can I make a plea that all humankind is just happy with the words I LOVE YOU. Don't say it if you don't mean it...and then hopefully it seems more real when you do.
Love: Just a short response will do - I love you.
I realise this is quite serious for me...but a very important point!!
PS. Women...never ask me if I think you look nice if you can not accept the answer. If you're not going to believe me when I tell you you look beautiful or cry when I tell you you look like a Danny Devito look-a-like, don't ask!
Thursday 30 September 2010
I truly respect....
As I sit here, at the age of 23, doing work struggling to keep my eyes open, I think to myself: 'when did I become some tired?' Only 3 years ago I was a full time student. I dabbled in the art of drinking every day, not shaving for weeks, not cutting my hair for months, staying awake all night just because I could. Sometimes I was such a crazy fool I would even have a nap during the day. I know, I know...Mr Rebel reporting for duty. Being a student was a simpler time. I had 5 main worries as a student as I led my day to day life:
1. If this lecture doesn't finish till 5 will I make it home for neighbours at 5:35. This concern led to great depression in about 2008 when after first moving to Channel 5 they changed the time to 5:30. I now had to run. Things weren't all bad, now on 5 we got an omnibus.
2. If I go out now and drink at a rate of 1 pint every 25 minutes, how long till my daily allowance runs out and I'm home tucked up in bed? If the answer is before 3, wait an appropriate amount of time before heading out.
3. Are these shoes a good choice for said night out. Are they a) sensible enough to get me in to a club but also are they b) comfortable enough to be running home in at 4am with a traffic cone on my head.
4. I hope theres some good stuff on whoopsie and ASDA
As you can see university was a very....
Shit, forgot....
5. This essay is due in in 12 hours....better start. Ah well not to worry wikipedia will have all the answers, right?
Being a student really is a wonderful experience. Its a time to relax, grow, find yourself, become educated....then you must work. I've been working 2 years and already I'm remembering a happier time of being a student. I am extremely jealous of any students out there. Damn you all.
I truly respect old people. Not just any old people, but old people who have worked all their lives and still seem to smile every day. How do you do it? How do you not just sit at home all day thinking: 'what have a got to show for all my hard work?' A wrinkly old face, and a few pennies hidden under your bed that you're saving for a rainy day. When I was a kid my nanna always had pennines for a rainy day...it rains loads in the UK, she still has the pennies. Hmmm??
I hope when I'm old a wrinkly, someone respects the contribution I have made to society, whatever that might be.
Will
1. If this lecture doesn't finish till 5 will I make it home for neighbours at 5:35. This concern led to great depression in about 2008 when after first moving to Channel 5 they changed the time to 5:30. I now had to run. Things weren't all bad, now on 5 we got an omnibus.
2. If I go out now and drink at a rate of 1 pint every 25 minutes, how long till my daily allowance runs out and I'm home tucked up in bed? If the answer is before 3, wait an appropriate amount of time before heading out.
3. Are these shoes a good choice for said night out. Are they a) sensible enough to get me in to a club but also are they b) comfortable enough to be running home in at 4am with a traffic cone on my head.
4. I hope theres some good stuff on whoopsie and ASDA
As you can see university was a very....
Shit, forgot....
5. This essay is due in in 12 hours....better start. Ah well not to worry wikipedia will have all the answers, right?
Being a student really is a wonderful experience. Its a time to relax, grow, find yourself, become educated....then you must work. I've been working 2 years and already I'm remembering a happier time of being a student. I am extremely jealous of any students out there. Damn you all.
I truly respect old people. Not just any old people, but old people who have worked all their lives and still seem to smile every day. How do you do it? How do you not just sit at home all day thinking: 'what have a got to show for all my hard work?' A wrinkly old face, and a few pennies hidden under your bed that you're saving for a rainy day. When I was a kid my nanna always had pennines for a rainy day...it rains loads in the UK, she still has the pennies. Hmmm??
I hope when I'm old a wrinkly, someone respects the contribution I have made to society, whatever that might be.
Will
Wednesday 29 September 2010
The Will Power of Will
Welcome to Will Power of Will
I am still working out as I type this the purpose of this blog (why is it called a blog?) but I'm getting there. I hear that there are a lot of blogs out there with people complaining and ranting. I don't want to read about other peoples problems and complaints.....make me laugh or make me think. I like to think. I also like being me and dreaming!
Ok....got it. The purpose of my blog will be two-fold. Well, I don't think two-fold, we will see in a second. Sometimes I have conversations with myself even when typing. I could go back and change two-fold to three-fold etc but I know I wont. Clearly, I sometimes go off on one. Anyway, the purpose of my blog will be two-fold.....possibly?
1. To ask and answer the worlds unanswered and very important questions.
2. To observe and comment and random day to day. Oh great....lets listen to you telling us about you day I hear you saying. No...I mean observations of comical moments and points of interest in the world...not what I had to eat this evening (fish and chips for those that are interested)
3. Ok...so occasionally I will rant (don't we all)
4. Anything else that I would want to read if wrote by someone else.
So, as I said, the purpose of this blog is four-fold......?
I hope you all enjoy, if there is anyone reading, whoever you are (I realise this blog is of no interest to anyone...stay tuned)
Will
I am still working out as I type this the purpose of this blog (why is it called a blog?) but I'm getting there. I hear that there are a lot of blogs out there with people complaining and ranting. I don't want to read about other peoples problems and complaints.....make me laugh or make me think. I like to think. I also like being me and dreaming!
Ok....got it. The purpose of my blog will be two-fold. Well, I don't think two-fold, we will see in a second. Sometimes I have conversations with myself even when typing. I could go back and change two-fold to three-fold etc but I know I wont. Clearly, I sometimes go off on one. Anyway, the purpose of my blog will be two-fold.....possibly?
1. To ask and answer the worlds unanswered and very important questions.
2. To observe and comment and random day to day. Oh great....lets listen to you telling us about you day I hear you saying. No...I mean observations of comical moments and points of interest in the world...not what I had to eat this evening (fish and chips for those that are interested)
3. Ok...so occasionally I will rant (don't we all)
4. Anything else that I would want to read if wrote by someone else.
So, as I said, the purpose of this blog is four-fold......?
I hope you all enjoy, if there is anyone reading, whoever you are (I realise this blog is of no interest to anyone...stay tuned)
Will
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