Sunday 2 October 2011

Yet another business plan

This time I've got it, this is a winner. Unlike my other business ideas this is a one which would not be worth putting your life savings in to but if you already own this type of business it would be a worthwhile service to add to your current services.

So, here we go....

Yesterday, I needed to go and get a battery put in my watch so I thought I'll make a day out of it. So, I went up to Newcastle, dropped my watch in then was planning on going for a coffee.  So, I handed my watch over and the man said 'come back in 40 minutes.' I thought, 'but you've got my watch pal.'  If I don't have my watch how can I judge time? 40 mins is ok because I can guesstimate. But what if he said, come back in 3 hours, I wouldn't have a clue.  So, I thought about it and I thought about cars. When my car went away for repair what did I get? A courtesy car! So why can't we have a courtesy watch when our watch is in for repair? It's a simple idea, but why not?

So, to sum up, I think every watch repair specialists should offer customers a courtesy watch service when there own watch is in for repair/battery change etc.  This could be moved out to other companies like getting a courtesy suit whilst yours is dry cleaned.

A question answered before you ask....But we all have phones with the time on? Yes you do, but what if you are a business man who's watch is away for a week for repairs. Imagine you are in an important meeting or sat in your office at work, would your boss be happy seeing you pull your phone out all the time to check the time?

Tuesday 27 September 2011

It's hard to be funny

I've always wanted to be funny and to make people laugh. I'm not shy in saying I like the attention. Anyone who knows me knows I like to be centre of attention and try and make people laugh. I decided I would use my blog from now as way of trying a bit comedy but I realised being funny is harder than I thought. Making people laugh in person can come naturally to some, but making text funny is a whole different ball game. It's all in the delivery of the joke and you don't have that freedom of delivery in text.

Maybe I'm not ready to be 'funny'? Maybe I should just stick to random ramblings?

Or maybe it is time to start with a vlog?

It's not a hard question!

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

When I was younger I did not understand this question. At school if I was asked a question, I could either answer it or the teacher would correct me, so when thrown this curve ball it causes confusion. I never knew the answer and no one ever told me. 

But now, I am older and wiser and this question makes perfect sense. Come with me, if you will......

Evolution! We've all heard the theory that everything has evolved over time. That if we go back millions of years we as humans have evolved from something which lived in the seas and oceans of the world. So, if this is true, chickens have also evolved from other creatures and both us and chickens are still evolving to adapt to changing surroundings.

If the chicken has evolved from animal X then this animal has gradually changed over time arriving at todays chicken, meaning the egg laid by the given animal will also have changed over time.

So next time you are asked 'what came first, the chicken or the egg?' you can answer with confidence the following:

'Well, when you say the chicken and the egg, are you referring to the chicken as we know it today? Or the egg as we know it today? Or, are you referring to the first stage of chicken, when man began calling it a chicken? If the egg and contained chicken are both constantly evolving could it not be said that the chicken is yet to arrive? Maybe neither will come first. Maybe neither did come first. Who is to say when 'X egg' and animal x became chicken egg and chicken?'

Deflect the question back to them.

Disclaimer: all views above are my own. There are by no means any scientific evidence to the above.

Thursday 22 September 2011

Just wondering.....again!

Seeing my friend Kim last night got me thinking. She had one of those keyrings which gives the meaning of your name. You know the thing, they come in all shapes and sizes, keyrings, bookmarks, mugs, fridge magnets.  I just did a search on my own name to see the meaning of William. The answer - PROTECTOR!! I was just wondering though, do they ever print meanings which are negative? I'd love a keyring to say:

William
from the Latin meaning 'knobhead'
He is boring, annoying
and an all round bad man.



Wednesday 21 September 2011

Just wondering

If I got to the cinema which arm rest is mine? Left or right? Or is it first come first served? If everyone heads in one direction one person at an end gets 2. Similar can be asked when on a plane. Also, is there a weight limit for passengers on a plane? I don't have a problem with larger people flying but I do have a problem when I have to sit next to two larger people and they put the arm rest up and spread on to my seat. We've payed the same price yet they take up a seat and a half and I squished on to just half.  Maybe we should charge them double and just give them two seats...hmmmm.

Shortest blog ever!

Tuesday 30 August 2011

Business Plans - Update

I have just realised that it was February when I introduced you to my four business plans:

1. AIDS is for life, AIDS is for love.

2. A town for the future

3. Museum of Time to Come (MTC)

4. Songs for Schools
I promised more detailed information. As I do not want to be a man who does not stick to his word I feel I should give a quick overview of each.

1. AIDS is for life, AIDS is for love.
I will keep this one short as I have done research and discovered that this actually exists. Basically a online dating agency aimed at people with AIDS. Already out there, which actually pleases me. I did not think of this to try and have a laugh, I think it is important we are all given opportunities to be happy.

2. A town for the future
This is more of an investment for my grandchildren and future generations. Anybody from the North East of England will be familiar with Beamish. Beamish is.....http://www.beamish.org.uk/ . My idea is to build a small town in the style of Beamish but it will be a town based in the year 2000. Instead of a period dentist I will have a NHS dentist with long queues of people trying to get in. I will have people dressed in 'period' clothing. Young children dressed as chavs to hurl abuse at people as they walk past. Instead of a mine I will have a factory so people can see what the world of work was like in the year 2000.

3. Museum of Time to Come (MTC)
Unlike my other 3 ideas, which, lets face it, will make me millions I decided to scrap this idea as I am sensible to realise it wouldn't work. So, lets move on....

4. Songs for Schools
Teachers out there will be used to using a number of website to look for resources throughout the academic year. Songs for Schools will be aimed at revision for all subjects at GCSE and A Level. The idea is simple. When you listen to the radio it is amazing how quickly you find yourself singing along to a song. Maybe one listen to a song and you can sing the chorus. A few listens and you can sing the whole song. So, when schools are revising for exams, teachers approach Songs for Schools with information they want their students to learn and we will write a song with all the information students need. Perfect? I think so.

I just need some investment. Anyone??

Monday 29 August 2011

Highstreet etiquette - Shopping

I do not consider myself an angry person. I do not consider myself to discriminate against individuals or groups of people. But one thing that does make my blood boil and makes me feel like I want to poke someones eyeballs out with a hot needle, is large crowds in city centres or shopping centres. We've all been there: you're out shopping and you get agitated at people who just seem to go out of their way to get in yours. Or, people who just decide to suddenly stop walking in the middle of the street for no possible reason known to man. Then there is the select group of people who decide to hover at either the bottom of an escalator or in the doorway of a shop deciding whether they want to go in or not, in the process blocking the way for anyone else.
Obviously we can't rid our streets of these moronic individuals, (like I say I do not discriminate) but maybe a few simple laws of the highstreet would make the shopping experience easier for the rest of us.

1. Contemplation zones
Problem: You know the moment. You're walking down a busy highstreet and you get stuck behind someone who either doesn't know where they are going or can not make up their mind as to where to go. They decide that whilst they decide what they are doing they will suddenly stand still or turn 180 degrees making you walk in to them.

I suggest to introduce contemplation zones in all major city centres. These contemplation zones will be marked out sections in pedestrian zones where people who are lost, or simply busy planning where to go, can stand with like minded people rather than getting in other peoples way.  These zones will be signed with large arrows so people can not miss them.
2. Turning zones
Problem: As previously mentioned in contemplation zones, it concerns me when people decide to suddenly turn and walk in the opposite direction. This is not a problem in your own house or when  it's nice and quiet, but on the highstreet it's bloody annoying.

Similar to the contemplation zone, I suggest turning zones in which oval tracks can be marked out on the ground allowing people coming from either direction to enter the turning zone, walk round a short oval and then exit in the desired direction.
3. No stop zones
Problem: You will definitely have found yourself getting frustrated at someone guilty of this sin. People who stop and stand in shop doorways for a chat or deciding whether to enter or not. Or they even decide to do it at the bottom on the escalator.

No stop zones are again a simple idea and based on the same idea.  Areas marked around the outside of shops and at the bottom of escalators. Anyone seen standing still in one of these zones will be removed from said store. Repeat offenders will be fined for their sins.
These 3 simple ways of changing our highstreet etiquette are not difficult for all to understand and adhere to. Also, financially, it should be quite a cheap set-up. All that is needed is a lot of white paint and a few wooden signs. Get on board and make your shopping experience less stressful.

Monday 25 July 2011

Educators and Parents of the World - Unite!!

'In the UK we spend too much time watching TV.'  This statement got me thinking.  In general, people do watch a lot of TV and maybe TV is trying to be more educational.  Is it possible TV is aiming at educational people in the UK.

If we think of our 'compulsary' subjects of Maths, English and Science can Tv help to cover these subjects.

English

What can I say about English.....Countdown! The first ever program on channel 4 designed to teach spelling and mental maths. 

Another two programmes helping with our English education are Jeremy Kyle and Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.  Sometimes seeing something being done wrong helps us see our own mistakes.  If young people are learning about spoken English where better to see 'how not to do it' than on these two?

Science

Again we look towards Jezza Kyle.  He teaches us, at least once a week that if you don't want a baby then use protection.  There's Biology covered!

There are hundreds of things on TV teaching us about how the planet works, how the world was created etc. And its more exciting than a text book.

Big Bang Theory - need I say more!

Maths

Do you remember when we had 4 TV channels? BBC1, BBC2, ITV and Channel 4. That in itself is not very educational however look at the number of channels we have now. Every day I seem to see an advert advertising a new TV channel.  Again, I hear you asking how can having a lot of TV channels be educational? It can't! But look at the names of the channels......

Watching television on a Saturday evening I saw an advert telling me all about a new channel...ITV1+1. I remember when it was called ITV2. Now they are aiming simple maths and young children, making them do the maths before knowing what channel they are watching.

For more advanced mathematics we can look to E4 and E4+1. If thats not algebra I don't know what is. I've heard a rumour there is soon to be a E4+1=21(find E) channel.

I think that if you look you will find a TV channel or show that covers any subject within the National Curriculum.  This article has been a short introduction to TV as an educator. I will leave you to discover your own educational TV.

Conclusion

Teachers - Buy a large TV for your classroom wall - spend your time recording all programmes linked to your subject

Parents - Buy a large TV. When your child comes home from school with homework, rather than pretending you can help put then in front of the TV.

Educators and Parents of the World - Unite!! - Let's give children a perfect start.

NB. The views expressed above are not my own and have been created for entertainment purposes

Friday 17 June 2011

The world in which we live(d)

'Young'uns have it so easy'

I'm sure many of you have heard someone of the 'older' generation say this or something similar. I feel at 24 that I am one of these fore mentioned 'young'uns', and therefore I should defend youth and argue that infact

'Young'uns in 1940 had it so easy.'

The following research has been carried out through the respectable resources which are my own brain and thoughts and the world wide web.

House Prices

1940's
Average Income - £3.90 p/w
Average house price - £500

2010's
Average Income - £499 p/w
Average house price - £168000

One of the biggest but most important purchases we make is that of a house.  Looking at the above figures we can see that, on average, it would take 128 weeks wages in 1940 to save for the full price of a house.  In 2010 it would take a massive 336 weeks. Hmmm, I wonder who has it harder??

Unemployment

1940 - 3.5%
2010 - 7.7%

Hmmmm

So, looking at house prices and unemployment figures I think we could say that actually youngsters of 1940's had it easier.  I'm not saying that life was easy in the 1940's, I mean, they had WWII. No one would wish to live through that. But then again, look at all the wars and conflict the British Army are involved with today. Neither situation can be described as easy.

I think where we have it easier in present day is in certain careers. Professional sportsmen and women earn ridiculous amounts of money. Gone are the days where professional footballers would have jobs as well as playing football for a living. Also now, anybody can become a celebrity. The press go wild for 'gossip' relating to celebrities. Sleep with a married famous person and 15 minutes of fame is almost guaranteed now.  Also, politicians have it so much easier in present day. They seem to be given a free run to fiddle taxes and generally act like grade A knobs.

One thing that amazes me now is how easy it is to obtain a MBE or OBE. Recently these things seem to be getting handed out willy nilly. I heard a report that an Olympic HOPEFUL was given an MBE. A hopeful? Not even a winner. Are you kidding me. It's disgusting that people like this can be handed such an honour. They should turn it down. Before you know it Ryan Giggs and Wayne Rooney will receive MBE's for their contribution to the sex industry.

The argument will never be ended and I'm sure in 50 years I will be of the opinion that the youth of the day it so easy.  We are a nation where we like to share our problems with others and like others to know how much we struggle in life.  I think people will always argue they have it tougher than others. We live in a great nation where we all have our difficulties but at the end of the day, we could be so much worse off.

Thursday 9 June 2011

My last shot at fame!

'Shy bairns get nowt' - a saying I have decided to live my life as of now.

Yesterday evening I had the pleasure of meeting Kathryn Tickell with my fellow Trimdon Concert Brass Band members. Not being one to miss a good opportunity I decided it would be a chance for me for a new career.  Using a scrap of paper and a blunt pencil, (I know, very professional) I wrote Miss Tickell a lovely note leaving my e-mail address and telephone number. I wrote a lovely message telling her how my uncle was a big fan and it would be wonderful and he would have been proud to hear me on one of her tracks. 

Andy Warhol said that everyone would have their 15 minutes of fame. Well I haven't had mine. With inflation and a growing population I expect that now we might only get 5 minutes each. This is fine, one song on one professionally released CD would see me achieve this.

It has so far been 21 hours since this moment and there has been no word. I will keep you posted.

PS. If you are reading this and you are famous in anyway, can I please steal some of your fame?? Thanks

I will play brass, guitar, hand claps, whistling. You name it, I'll do it

Monday 6 June 2011

If....

If I could write a blog like you I'd have a 1000 fans
All the way from Scotland to the south coast of Japan
If I could write a blog like you I'd make you laugh and cry
But this is a skill I do not have no matter how I try

I have no funny anicdotes from the life that I have led
Nor even funny dreams whilst lying in my bed
No stories of travels or moments of crime
To say I'm 24 I've done so little with my time

If I could write a blog like you I'd have a story to tell
Of wisdom and drama. My moments of heaven and hell
If I could write a blog like you I'd have 1 million views
But I'm happy that you are reading this, and therefore I love you

Monday 23 May 2011

Breaking News - New evidence shocks Nursery rhyme world!



Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again

These words seen over 100 years ago have led to a long debate regarding to circumstances of Mr. Dumpty's fall.  A debate has been going since the script was first found with some claiming Mr. Dumpty was pushed with others stating they believed it was an accidental fall.  With no real evidence ever coming to light the case was dismissed and a conclusion of a fall was given.

However, in recent days new evidence was found in Mr. Dumpty's hometown which had led to the case being reopened.  A note was found under floorboards of Mr. Dumpty's barn where he was living at the time.  It is thought the note was written by Humpty Dumpty himself.

The note read:

Life has become hard for me. My parents want nothing to do with me.  They say there is no place for a egg with eyes and arms and legs. An egg that doesn't hatch to become a chicken. An egg that talks English and not chicken. An egg that can write.  I feel worthless.

Following discovering of this note police have reopened the case and are looking at a possibility of suicide.  This news will be welcomed by descendants of Mr. Dumpty who will see this as closure.


Pictured: Mr. Dumpty's parents

Monday 9 May 2011

My Top Ten Favourite Countries - Part of the 1000 club.

Ever since noticing that I can check my 'stats' on my blog it has become an addiction.  Every time I post I look to see how many views I've had. I love that it tells me what countries it is being viewed in. After my first two posts I decided my aim was to get viewed in 10 different countries and have 1000 views.  Both of these have now happened. My blog has (apparently) been viewed in these 10 countries (as of 02/01/2001):

United Kingdom
United States
France
Ecuador
Croatia
Ireland
Singapore
Austria
India
Ukraine

I do not know if this is true. Living in the UK, I know friends reading it here, but I really have no idea how people in these other countries are reading my blog. If it is true....who are you? And how did you find me?

I want 15

As of 08/05/2011 I now have 1000 views. (Again, apparently)

I do not know if now is the time to give up and leave blogging to the pros.

Wednesday 2 February 2011

My Business Plans

I need a new career. A sentence I say to myself every day. Not because I particularly dislike my job, I just think there must be something out there where I can earn more money, have more free time and have less stress.  I think my best bet is to set up my own business and then sit back and employ others whilst I just sit on the money.

Below are my ideas for businesses which I think can and will work.  I will publish a more detailed plan for each of my businesses over the coming weeks so all you entrepreneur can invest in Will Power of Will

1. AIDS is for life, AIDS is for love.

2. A town for the future

3. Museum of Time to Come (MTC)

4. Songs for Schools

I refuse to look on the internet as I would be very disappointed to find that these businesses already exist. If they do please do not ruin my dreams. However, if anyone would like to invest in any business as I post the business plans please do not hesitate to get in touch.

I leave you all excited by the prospect of receiving details of these incredible business ideas. Stay tuned!

Tuesday 11 January 2011

My Little Annoyances

For the first time ever, I am going for the classic rant. I feel very tired lately and am finding a lot of things annoying me. Little things that really annoy me but really shouldn't. Here are but a few.

1. What is the point in buttons for fastening duvet covers?
When I want to wash my bedding I don't want to spend minutes un-buttoning all the buttons. I want to rip press studs open. In fact, what is the point in buttons at all?

2. People who work in mobile phone shops and know nothing about phones or computer shops and know nothing about computers.
If there is ever anything wrong with your phone or your line rental or your bill you have to send it off, they can't do anything in store. So basically, they are only there to put phones in carrier bags and punch numbers in tills. I'll tell you what, I'll train a fucking monkey to do that. As for high street computer stores: 'yes sir this computer has a trial version of office 2010, you just put this product key in to upgrade it to full version. you get it for mega cheap' Yes it was mega cheap, because when I got it home did the computer balls have office 2010. Knobs

3. Loud clocks
Seriously? What is the point? Why do I need to hear a clock when I'm trying to sleep or just sit quietly? I do not need to hear the seconds pass by. It's pointless. If I want to hear seconds pass aloud I will buy a metronome.

4. People who help to 'carry' something for you
Ever been carrying a large heavy object such as a TV, sofa or fridge and you have the useless friend hanging round?  They watch you struggle for a while and then decide to 'help' but just stand in the total wrong position and take no weight. And then to make it worse they give advice about carrying it. Seriously, I like you but just go away and come back once I've shifted this. Thanks.

5. Panic shoppers at Christmas
At Christmas most supermarkets are shut for maybe 2 days, so why do people insist on shopping and buying 3 times the amount they would usually buy.  Surely you only go to the supermarket once a week, so just go a couple of days before Christmas then between Christmas and New Year and this should be fine. We all need bread, so don't buy 7 loaves and empty the shelves.

6. Panic buyers in the sales.
I was horrified watching the news on boxing day this year to see the screaming customers heading out to the January sales. People going shopping at 5am, queueing outside, and then fighting over last items on shelves. So that £20 top you like is now £12. Yeah, thats worth getting up at 4am and fighting for.

7. The news and the media
We livein a world where people panic and react so negatively when the weather changes. It snows and the whole of the UK lock themselves away and hide in their houses. People stock up on food in case they can never leave the house again? I really feel like the media cause this hysteria. A 30 minute news programme is 25 minutes worth of snow related news: 'only travel in necessary', 'schools close for fourth day', 'make sure you wrap up warm, OR YOU MAY DIE!' It's a couple inches of snow, get a grip.

8. Lazy, fat people.
I hate fat people, who say they want to lose weight and then you see them at the McDonalds drive-through and then driving to their local shop which is only a 10 minute walk. They then complain that they are fat. Just think about it. Little steps guys...little steps.

9. People who use their debit/credit card to buy something that costs a couple of pounds.
This is particularly annoying when they are queueing in fornt of me. Why don't you just carry like £30 in your wallet for such purchases. It will save time and you never know when you may need cash.

10. Facebook 'places'
Who cares where you are all of the time. I don't care if you are in bed. Stop playing on facebook whilst in bed. And stop advertising that you are out and about with whoever you live with. You may as well have a t-shirt that says 'My address is ........... my house is empty. Please rob me'

11. Text messages
Don't text me for the first time in months if when I reply you don't. It a waste of one my free messages.

12.  Comedians who aren't funny.
Some comedians seem to be on every comedy program on TV and yet they only have maybe 10 jokes. They seem to link any topic to one of these jokes. They have a limited shelf life for sure.

13.  Commentators who don't speak.
Tim Henman at Wimbledon. Don't put him in the commentary box. He only speaks if he is asked a question. I could do that. However he would still kick Andy Murray's ass.

14. Mark Lawrenson - Knob

15. Football fans.
More specifically delusional football fans. Its great you support your team, but don't get carried away.

And breathe....this list could continue. But I now have a new annoyance.....16. Typing

Tuesday 4 January 2011

The pain of blogging!

I am not ashamed to say it, I'm an attention seeker and if I'm totally honest part of the reason for starting a blog was my love of attention and being centre of attention. The initial excitement of seeing my page had been viewed was amazing. Then seeing my page had been viewed outside of the UK was the best. Seeing my page views get to 600 just made me want to get to 1000.

But then came my main problem.....I HAVE NO MATERIAL!

Some people have stopped me in the street (well a couple of close friends) and said 'when are you writing a new blog?' I would love to write a new blog every week however I am not intelligent enough, or funny enough, or watch the news enough to know what would interest you all (or the few of you I know exist)

I want to be like the Mozart of blogging. I want to knock out a blog on demand. I want to make people want read, I want people to laugh, I WANT ATTENTION!!!

Maybe I will hang up my blogging shoes (I am sure my 8 followers will be detraught by this news).

But on a serious note, please give me suggestions of things to write about.

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