Newcastle United Application

Following the sacking of Chris Hughton, I thought it a good idea to put myself forward for the position of manager.  It is the second time I have decided to apply for the biggest job in football, the first time I got no reply and unfortunately after sending this second e-mail still no luck. Apparently Alan Pardew is a better man for the job.

Dear Mr Ashley

RE: Post of manager of Newcastle United Football Club

Following the untimely departure of Chris Hughton, I thought it only fair that again I put myself forward for the position of manager at Newcastle United.  You may think that my experience to date is somewhat limited and therefore not suitable for the post. However, I do feel my attributes make me the right man for the job.

As a die hard Newcastle fan, I have been a regular attendee at Newcastle matches since 1995, having a season ticket in the East Stand Paddock for approximately 12 years.  In that time I have seen players and managers come and fail at the club. I have seen us relegated, I have seen us promoted and I have stayed true to my club. I have called substitutions that should be made before being made which have a huge impact on the game. On numerous occasions I have correctly predicted the score of matches. I am realistic. I am not deluded. As a fan I understand the football the fans want to watch. I am hard working. I am punctual. I have to have this job.

I don't want to be a man who uses his history of Football Manager and FIFA to try and get a job, but needless to say, I'm quite good at both (Rotherham from League 2 to Premiership. Cool, no?)

I feel the biggest selling point for me is based around the money I could save the club. Below is my proposed payments I will need to consider a post at the club.

Annual Pay: £30000
Bonus for avoiding relegation: £5000
Cup Win: £3500

You will agree compared to other premiership managers I will save the club a lot of money, then being able to put that money in to transfers and new contracts.  To save more money I will consider bringing my own coaches who I am sure will also work for a reasonable pay packet.  These coaches are Dave Massey, Gary Rose and Wil McCollum. If you require any information about these brilliant men, please feel free to get in touch.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Will Harrison


Oh well, no job. Better luck next time.  Good luck Mr. Alan Pardew.

Facebook statistics

With Facebook now having over 500 million users it is fascinating to see that all 500 million users can be categorised in to only 6 groups.  You can put any facebook user in to one (or maybe more) of these categories by reading their facebook statuses.


User type 1: The lover
This user has limited statuses on repeat.


"I love my man so much"
"I'm the luckiest girl in the world"
"I don't know what I would do without my perfect fella"


I think your man would love you more if you spent your time with him rather than telling the world over and over again how much you love him.  Your relationship status tells me you're in a relationship. I will always assume you are in love until that changes.


User type 2: The hater
I don't have a lot to say about these people.  Please don't use facebook as a forum for racism, homophobia and general hate towards others, use a blog :-)


User type 3: LOOK AT ME!!!!
This type of person is a true attention seeker and can be summed up in one status: "John Smith has had the worst day of his life"  This status in itself is not a bad status, it is what follows the posting of this status that bothers me.


Example:


John Smith has had the worst day of his life :-(
Peter Brown: Whats up mate?
John Smith: I don't want to talk about it on here. I'll inbox you.


Are you kidding me John Smith.  You have over 1000 friends (most of whom I gather you do not know) and you post a status like this and not expect someone to respond.  By posting this status you excite user type 6 and then crush them by not revealing the story.  If you want to just tell people in private just send the message or ring them, don't fill my news feed with your crap.


User type 4: The wanna be famous
These people believe they are destined for something bigger.  Facebook to them is a stepping stone to something else.  They use facebook as a mean to share jokes, advertise their music and to sometimes upload photos which will hopefully land them a modelling contract. 


A larger number of friends is generally a given with this user type.


User type 5: The wanna get laid.
yep.....lot of friends of opposite sex.......lot of semi naked/suggestive photos....yep


User type 6: The 'normal' facebook user - a.k.a the nosey user
These users are the hardest to spot.  These users will have some of the most normal statuses.  They will have statuses about funny moments in the day, views on talent shows and comment on general day to day life, weather and current affairs.  However, below this seemingly mundane user lies a dark dark secret.  Their life as a social network user starts out innocently enough but then the obsession grows.  They have hundreds and hundreds of friends. Some of these are people who they went to school with and never spoke to, or friends of friends who they met once on a drunken night out.


These users are unable to delete 'friends' as they are too nosey.  They are not worried about being any of the other user types, however they love to know what is going on in the facebook world.  They will have facebook on their mobile phones and will log on at any available opportunity to read through hundreds of facebook statuses.


'When your own life is dull, use facebook to stalk others'


Oh and they sometimes use it to be a pervert.


Can you place yourself or people you know in to any of these categories? Yes, I am guilty of at least one of these.

Breaking News - 3/12/10

Due to the widespread snow of recent times, there has been a rise in crime in certain areas oft the UK.  The most disturbing criminal offence has occured in Kent, where a highly emotional woman reported to police that her snowman had been stolen.  She was most concerned as she had used pound coins for eyes and tea spoons for arms.

Below is an artists impression of how the snowman may look.

If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of this snowman please contact someone who gives a damn.  There is a possibly the snowman has been destroyed. In this instance, if you see a suspicious person with two pound coins and two tea spoons, avoid this dangerous criminal. Do not attempt to approach this person, and again, inform someone (I don't knw who)

Snow Day

As a teacher there are two words I always love to hear.  Not well done, or outstanding lesson, or excellent results.  These two words are SNOW DAY.  It needs no explanation, it's just important to understand it means I get a day off.  I find it the one type of day off where I don't feel bad doing zero work.  Its like an extra Sunday. However, as much as I love these snow days there comes a point where boredom kicks in.  Stuck in the house playing playstation does eventually get boring and I begin thinking I wish I was at work. 

These 5 days off in a row has got me thnking.  How, as a nation, are we so scared of the snow and going out in it?  We get snow for a week and people stay at home, schools and businesses close, people stock up on food (presumably in case of The Ice Age) and news channels have one story:- SNOW.  
I think all of this panic occurs due to the later, the media.  They hype it up so much and put fear in to people. I worry there will come a time when BBC news will have a headline: 'Snowfall expected next week. Lock your homes, close your curtains and eat the fattest member of yor family.'  Come on media, stopped scaring people.

Whilst watching the news a reporter said something which at the time I didn't think about twice, however looking back it seems a ridiculous statement that just is typical of the snow panic:
"If you're out on the roads today, drive safely" Oh thank you Mr news man, I was intending on driving like a loonatic.  I was thinking it was approprite to drive on the wrong side of the road with my eyes shut using my feet to steer.  Or, this is ledng me to believe that when its a nice day I can drive like a cock!  Another reporter used another good informative line: "its cold out there, so make sure to wrap up warm."  How would I manage to live without these words of wisdom?

As a nation, we let snow effect everything in our day to day lives and why?  Surely other countries cope betterthan us, Sweden and Norway for example? These countries have snow plows and motorists have snow tires. As a relatively rich natio, surely we can find a way to be more prepared for this type of winter.

Sorry, this is just a rant, boredom is setting in now. Need to get back to work