Saturday, 22 March 2014

time for a comeback?

A conversation the other day made me realise I haven't wrote a blog for what seems an eternity. Does anyone even blog anymore? Does anyone read blogs anymore? More importantly would anyone read my blogs? Reading through my previous posts I can tell I was in a weird place mentally when creating them, and maybe I don't have the same thought processes I had then so maybe people maybe wouldn't enjoy reading them as much as they did?

Sod I'm getting this ship back up and running..and this time everything is going to be a serious post......... ;-)

Stay tuned

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Application for position of England manager

Following my failed attempt at securing the managers position at Newcastle I thought I'd give the England job a pop. Maybe the Newcastle job wasn't for me considering the brilliant job Alan Pardew has done but this post is definitely for me.

Dear Mr FA,

I would like to start by congratulating you on the handling of the John Terry situation in recent months. I think it is clear that he is a racist pig as well as being an all round jerk. Instantly, following this statement I would like to point out how loyal I am and that given a role within the England set up I would back your every decision. Some would say that in the case of John Terry it is surely the managers decision as to who wears the captains arm band and that from a legal standing to dismiss a man from a position before he is convicted could be seen as unfair dismissal . But not me, I would never think that.

You may be questioning why you should consider me for a role as important as England manager? Well let me explain.....

1. Keeping it English - Every day in the media, football pundits are saying that the next England manager should be English. Well, I'm English, so I think that is one big tick in my favour.

2. Save the Premier League - After my first point you may think, 'right, well we will go with Harry Redknapp.' I say no! How many current English managers are there in the premiership? As we speak....3! Surely if we want to have an Englishman managing our country we should also want English managers in our top league. If you take Harry from his job that leaves us with only 2. Leave the English managers in the Premier League.

3. Financially viable - I will do the job for a tidy pay packet of £35000 per annum plus a car and an offshore account (allowing me to avoid taxes)

4. Longevity - Who is the most successful manager in our country today? Sir Alex. I believe this is partly due to the length of service to his club. At only 24 (25 in a month) I can happily commit to a good 35-40 years in charge.

5. We know who's in charge - Sometimes I can't be bothered to think for myself. At first you may think well that won't be a good quality. However it means, I won't answer back. I can be your yes man and not interfere with the corrupt association that is the FA.  I will leave you the run the show how you want it done (but for the cameras I wont let on. I'm good at keeping secrets)

6. Other valuable assets - As a teacher I have had a lot of experience of working with immature cry babies. Also, with a clear CRB I could work with the youth set up also to develop the team for the future.

If I am unsuccessful in my application please could you give it to Gareth Southgate.  I believe that the England squad needs a shake up making the football more appealing the watch, because lets be honest at the minute, it is wank. One thing that always sticks in the mind is Ruud Gullit's brand of 'sexy football' and apart from myself, I believe Mr. Southgate is the only other individual who could bring a good bit of sexy football to the national squad.

I think you will agree that after reading this you will see I am the only sensible option for England manager. I look forward to hearing from you.  Should you need any references I will happily provide those.



Friday, 10 February 2012

There's an app for that

Since today deciding that my blog was overdue a return I thought it may be nice to post from my phone. And yes...there's an app for that. When did phones become so clever? What happened to monophonic ringtones and snake? It's insane. No wonder people are addicted to their phones, me included, you can run your life from a smart phone. Dieting - there's an app for that. Running - there's an app for that. Email - that's covered. Everything is covered, even crap surely no one uses. I saw (and I don't know why I was looking) a menstrual cycle diary related app. What happened to just remembering things like that. What women are so stupid they can't keep track of their periods? I like technology but I worry its taking over. All we need now is for someone to combine a smart phone and a swiss army knife! I'm working on it! Is there any serious gap in the app market? Is there something we really need that isn't out there?  I don't think so....I've developed a mean Charleston through my phone.

Well....I'm back (and posting through my Blogger app)

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Yet another business plan

This time I've got it, this is a winner. Unlike my other business ideas this is a one which would not be worth putting your life savings in to but if you already own this type of business it would be a worthwhile service to add to your current services.

So, here we go....

Yesterday, I needed to go and get a battery put in my watch so I thought I'll make a day out of it. So, I went up to Newcastle, dropped my watch in then was planning on going for a coffee.  So, I handed my watch over and the man said 'come back in 40 minutes.' I thought, 'but you've got my watch pal.'  If I don't have my watch how can I judge time? 40 mins is ok because I can guesstimate. But what if he said, come back in 3 hours, I wouldn't have a clue.  So, I thought about it and I thought about cars. When my car went away for repair what did I get? A courtesy car! So why can't we have a courtesy watch when our watch is in for repair? It's a simple idea, but why not?

So, to sum up, I think every watch repair specialists should offer customers a courtesy watch service when there own watch is in for repair/battery change etc.  This could be moved out to other companies like getting a courtesy suit whilst yours is dry cleaned.

A question answered before you ask....But we all have phones with the time on? Yes you do, but what if you are a business man who's watch is away for a week for repairs. Imagine you are in an important meeting or sat in your office at work, would your boss be happy seeing you pull your phone out all the time to check the time?

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

It's hard to be funny

I've always wanted to be funny and to make people laugh. I'm not shy in saying I like the attention. Anyone who knows me knows I like to be centre of attention and try and make people laugh. I decided I would use my blog from now as way of trying a bit comedy but I realised being funny is harder than I thought. Making people laugh in person can come naturally to some, but making text funny is a whole different ball game. It's all in the delivery of the joke and you don't have that freedom of delivery in text.

Maybe I'm not ready to be 'funny'? Maybe I should just stick to random ramblings?

Or maybe it is time to start with a vlog?

It's not a hard question!

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

When I was younger I did not understand this question. At school if I was asked a question, I could either answer it or the teacher would correct me, so when thrown this curve ball it causes confusion. I never knew the answer and no one ever told me. 

But now, I am older and wiser and this question makes perfect sense. Come with me, if you will......

Evolution! We've all heard the theory that everything has evolved over time. That if we go back millions of years we as humans have evolved from something which lived in the seas and oceans of the world. So, if this is true, chickens have also evolved from other creatures and both us and chickens are still evolving to adapt to changing surroundings.

If the chicken has evolved from animal X then this animal has gradually changed over time arriving at todays chicken, meaning the egg laid by the given animal will also have changed over time.

So next time you are asked 'what came first, the chicken or the egg?' you can answer with confidence the following:

'Well, when you say the chicken and the egg, are you referring to the chicken as we know it today? Or the egg as we know it today? Or, are you referring to the first stage of chicken, when man began calling it a chicken? If the egg and contained chicken are both constantly evolving could it not be said that the chicken is yet to arrive? Maybe neither will come first. Maybe neither did come first. Who is to say when 'X egg' and animal x became chicken egg and chicken?'

Deflect the question back to them.

Disclaimer: all views above are my own. There are by no means any scientific evidence to the above.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Just wondering.....again!

Seeing my friend Kim last night got me thinking. She had one of those keyrings which gives the meaning of your name. You know the thing, they come in all shapes and sizes, keyrings, bookmarks, mugs, fridge magnets.  I just did a search on my own name to see the meaning of William. The answer - PROTECTOR!! I was just wondering though, do they ever print meanings which are negative? I'd love a keyring to say:

from the Latin meaning 'knobhead'
He is boring, annoying
and an all round bad man.