Following my failed attempt at securing the managers position at Newcastle I thought I'd give the England job a pop. Maybe the Newcastle job wasn't for me considering the brilliant job Alan Pardew has done but this post is definitely for me.
Dear Mr FA,
I would like to start by congratulating you on the handling of the John Terry situation in recent months. I think it is clear that he is a racist pig as well as being an all round jerk. Instantly, following this statement I would like to point out how loyal I am and that given a role within the England set up I would back your every decision. Some would say that in the case of John Terry it is surely the managers decision as to who wears the captains arm band and that from a legal standing to dismiss a man from a position before he is convicted could be seen as unfair dismissal . But not me, I would never think that.
You may be questioning why you should consider me for a role as important as England manager? Well let me explain.....
1. Keeping it English - Every day in the media, football pundits are saying that the next England manager should be English. Well, I'm English, so I think that is one big tick in my favour.
2. Save the Premier League - After my first point you may think, 'right, well we will go with Harry Redknapp.' I say no! How many current English managers are there in the premiership? As we speak....3! Surely if we want to have an Englishman managing our country we should also want English managers in our top league. If you take Harry from his job that leaves us with only 2. Leave the English managers in the Premier League.
3. Financially viable - I will do the job for a tidy pay packet of £35000 per annum plus a car and an offshore account (allowing me to avoid taxes)
4. Longevity - Who is the most successful manager in our country today? Sir Alex. I believe this is partly due to the length of service to his club. At only 24 (25 in a month) I can happily commit to a good 35-40 years in charge.
5. We know who's in charge - Sometimes I can't be bothered to think for myself. At first you may think well that won't be a good quality. However it means, I won't answer back. I can be your yes man and not interfere with the corrupt association that is the FA. I will leave you the run the show how you want it done (but for the cameras I wont let on. I'm good at keeping secrets)
6. Other valuable assets - As a teacher I have had a lot of experience of working with immature cry babies. Also, with a clear CRB I could work with the youth set up also to develop the team for the future.
If I am unsuccessful in my application please could you give it to Gareth Southgate. I believe that the England squad needs a shake up making the football more appealing the watch, because lets be honest at the minute, it is wank. One thing that always sticks in the mind is Ruud Gullit's brand of 'sexy football' and apart from myself, I believe Mr. Southgate is the only other individual who could bring a good bit of sexy football to the national squad.
I think you will agree that after reading this you will see I am the only sensible option for England manager. I look forward to hearing from you. Should you need any references I will happily provide those.
Yours,
Will
Dear Mr FA,
I would like to start by congratulating you on the handling of the John Terry situation in recent months. I think it is clear that he is a racist pig as well as being an all round jerk. Instantly, following this statement I would like to point out how loyal I am and that given a role within the England set up I would back your every decision. Some would say that in the case of John Terry it is surely the managers decision as to who wears the captains arm band and that from a legal standing to dismiss a man from a position before he is convicted could be seen as unfair dismissal . But not me, I would never think that.
You may be questioning why you should consider me for a role as important as England manager? Well let me explain.....
1. Keeping it English - Every day in the media, football pundits are saying that the next England manager should be English. Well, I'm English, so I think that is one big tick in my favour.
2. Save the Premier League - After my first point you may think, 'right, well we will go with Harry Redknapp.' I say no! How many current English managers are there in the premiership? As we speak....3! Surely if we want to have an Englishman managing our country we should also want English managers in our top league. If you take Harry from his job that leaves us with only 2. Leave the English managers in the Premier League.
3. Financially viable - I will do the job for a tidy pay packet of £35000 per annum plus a car and an offshore account (allowing me to avoid taxes)
4. Longevity - Who is the most successful manager in our country today? Sir Alex. I believe this is partly due to the length of service to his club. At only 24 (25 in a month) I can happily commit to a good 35-40 years in charge.
5. We know who's in charge - Sometimes I can't be bothered to think for myself. At first you may think well that won't be a good quality. However it means, I won't answer back. I can be your yes man and not interfere with the corrupt association that is the FA. I will leave you the run the show how you want it done (but for the cameras I wont let on. I'm good at keeping secrets)
6. Other valuable assets - As a teacher I have had a lot of experience of working with immature cry babies. Also, with a clear CRB I could work with the youth set up also to develop the team for the future.
If I am unsuccessful in my application please could you give it to Gareth Southgate. I believe that the England squad needs a shake up making the football more appealing the watch, because lets be honest at the minute, it is wank. One thing that always sticks in the mind is Ruud Gullit's brand of 'sexy football' and apart from myself, I believe Mr. Southgate is the only other individual who could bring a good bit of sexy football to the national squad.
I think you will agree that after reading this you will see I am the only sensible option for England manager. I look forward to hearing from you. Should you need any references I will happily provide those.
Yours,
Will
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